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You Know You’re a Hooker When…

You Know You’re a Hooker When…

Every piece of clothing in your closet is covered in sequins! Unless you’re moonlighting as a part-time lighthouse operator on the weekends where you need to direct ships into port by using your sequin top as a beacon of light from preventing them from running up the coastline then you need to chill out on the sparklies. As far as I’m concerned, the last hooker who could get away with head-to-toe sequins was Blanche Devereaux, the H.H.I.C. (Head Hooker In Charge).

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You Know You’re a Hooker When…

You preface anything you’re about to say with, “I hope this doesn’t make me sound like a slut.” Chances are you’re very aware that what you’re about to say is going to make you sound like a giant $2 road whore so you might as well just skip the introduction and get right down to the knitty gritty.


You Know You’re a Hooker When…

You’re in the hospital with pneumonia and you’re STILL text messaging your friends asking where the party is at tonight! The antibiotics haven’t even made it through your system yet and you’re already worried about where your gonna find your next “sponsor.” No one’s trying to see you in the club taking shots and dropping it like it’s hot to a Flo Rida song…with an IV attached to your thirsty ass. P.R.I.O.R.I.T.I.E.S.


You Know You’re a Hooker When…

Someone asks to use your phone for second, whether it’s to make a call or maybe even show you a feature, and you stand over their shoulder watching, like a malnourished hawk seeking prey, afraid they are going to stumble upon your “ho tendencies” files on your phone. Uhmmmm, calm down Thirsty McThirstyson, I’m not trying to see the various illicit pictures you have on your smartphone or the XXX-rated sexts which I’m sure you have running rampant on the device, I was just trying to show you how to download Angry Birds!


You Know You’re a Hooker When…

your “friends” list on Facebook has entered into the THOUSANDS! Oh okay, so you KNOW those 4,312 people that you’re “friends” with? Let’s please keep it real people…you didn’t go to college, and based on your lack of personality on your page and your horrendous grammar, I’m pretty sure you got out of high school by the skin of your teeth so how exactly do you know so many people? Unless your name is Rihanna or Lady Gaga there’s really no reason to have that many people associated with your Facebook page. We know that you probably only know about 16 of those people, but we’re hip to your game. You’ve somehow managed to turn a “social networking” site into a “social sex’em down site”. #cyberslutsbeware


You Know You’re a Hooker When…

after a LONG summer day at the beach (where you’ve apparently been drinking heavily) you proceed to engage in conversation with strangers about the x-rated things you want to do with them. Hmmmmm. Where should I REALLY begin with you? Should we begin with the bathing suit that is clearly about 3 sizes too small that you’ve somehow managed to squeeze yourself into (most likely with the help of some Crisco)? Are you actively trying to discover a new strand of Herpes to add to the collection that I’m sure you’re already housing? Or should we just discuss how that cheap weave makes you resemble Tito from “Oliver & Company”? Either way, can you go soliciting your services away from my beach blanket. Thanks.


You Know You’re a Hooker When…

every time I run into you in the streets you’re on a “date” with someone new. While there’s nothing wrong with testing the waters and seeing what’s out there for you, but it starts to become a problem when I’ve seen you multiple times in the span of a couple weeks and each time you’re on a “date” with a different skeezer. You can be honest about the situation cause there’s really only two possible answers to this equation; either you’re moonlighting as a prostitute and this is you “entertaining” your client before you seal the deal…or you’re just REALLY uninteresting on dates and you’re subsequently getting dropped by the other person at the first chance they see to escape! Either way, it’s not looking to favorable for you. Do better and stop getting your dates off of http://www.NonClassyTricks.com.