You Know You’re a Hooker When…
Every piece of clothing in your closet is covered in sequins! Unless you’re moonlighting as a part-time lighthouse operator on the weekends where you need to direct ships into port by using your sequin top as a beacon of light from preventing them from running up the coastline then you need to chill out on the sparklies. As far as I’m concerned, the last hooker who could get away with head-to-toe sequins was Blanche Devereaux, the H.H.I.C. (Head Hooker In Charge).
Funky-Fresh Goodness: Studio Manhattan Wallet!
So last week I agreed to meet some friends downtown at the South Street Seaport in Manhattan so we could go to an art exhibition on the human body. Being the ever-studious and punctual individual that I am (complete bullshit as I arrived 15 minutes late), I half-expected my friends to be a little late (and by a little late, I had no idea they would end up being over an hour-and-a-half late, but I digress). So in order to kill time, and prevent myself from freezing to death, I decided to take a walk through some of the shops at the Seaport. And thank God I did because I stumbled upon this really unique and funky shop named Studio Manhattan, where they basically take old photos from pop culture and snapshots from around New York and design really amazing stuff with them. I stumbled across this really cool wallet they designed with an old shot of Kate Moss on it and I had to scoop that bad-boy up! How hot is that?
Hot Off the Press…Lana Del Rey in Complex Magazine!
Soooooo, furthering my obsession with Lana Del Rey lately…have you all gotten the chance to see her on the upcoming issue of Complex? How stunningly exquisite is this chick? Not only is she a talented singer/songwriter, but she really is downright gorgeous and these shots of her only manage to cement that notion further. Her image, similar to her music, is a mix of retro-glam throwback mixed with a subtle edge to it. I can’t wait to pick up my copy when it hits newsstands this month! And if you haven’t already given her debut album, Born to Die, a listen I urge you to head to iTunes now and get your copy!
Funky Fresh Goodness: Coach Bleecker Legacy Weekend Bag!
Do you see this? No, do you REALLY see this? Do any of you out there understand how much I need this Coach Bleecker bag? You’re nobody of great importance in New York if your bag isn’t fly-as-hell, and this is the one that was birthed into creation specifically for me. Refined, classic, and cool. What more can you ask for? It WILL be mine soon. Mark my words! And I will name her Betty Ford, because the first thing I plan on putting inside her is a bottle of white wine! 😉
Auditory Eargasm…Lana Del Rey “Radio”
If you ask anyone in my life these days they will gladly let you know that I’m currently obsessed with Lana Del Rey. In case you’ve been living under a rock for the last couple months and you haven’t gotten the chance to indulge in diva dejour Del Rey and her debut album, Born to Die, then I urge you to hit the play button on my favorite record from the album, “Radio.” This chick is just everything! Her vocals display a certain vulnerability that immediately enraptures and hypnotizes you. She reminds me of a modern day Nancy Sinatra; if Nancy Sinatra was doing cocaine and singing over Kanye-esque beats. She’s THAT kinda bad-ass! And “Radio” is everything you could ask for from Lana; it’s breezy and subdued, but it also has a certain edge to it that only Lana could do. Everyone definitely needs to give her a gander. The album is amazing from front-to-back!
Words to Live By…Diane Von Furstenberg
“The most important relationship in your life is the relationship you have with yourself. Because no matter what happens, you will always be with yourself.”
Hot Off The Press…Charlize Theron on Vogue
Check out Charlize Theron on the cover of next month’s issue of Vogue. Talk about gorgeous! Charlize is one of those actresses that seems to better as the years go on and this cover shot of her is downright flawless. What I love most about Charlize is not only is she insanely beautiful, but she’s got the talent to match. Charlize has two highly buzzed about movies coming out next year, the Diablo Cody-penned Young Adult and the epic Snow White and the Huntsman.
You Know You’re a Hooker When…
You preface anything you’re about to say with, “I hope this doesn’t make me sound like a slut.” Chances are you’re very aware that what you’re about to say is going to make you sound like a giant $2 road whore so you might as well just skip the introduction and get right down to the knitty gritty.
You Know You’re a Hooker When…
You’re in the hospital with pneumonia and you’re STILL text messaging your friends asking where the party is at tonight! The antibiotics haven’t even made it through your system yet and you’re already worried about where your gonna find your next “sponsor.” No one’s trying to see you in the club taking shots and dropping it like it’s hot to a Flo Rida song…with an IV attached to your thirsty ass. P.R.I.O.R.I.T.I.E.S.
Funky Fresh Goodness: Versace for H&M Men’s Jacket!
There are very few things in life that would make me voluntarily get up at 6 A.M. and stand in line so that I can fight other fashion hungry shoppers for a little treasure or two…but I think I just discovered my reason! As most fashion savvy consumers are aware, every so often H&M pairs up with a major fashion label to produce a more “affordable” line for all us “regular” folk out there in the world (a.k.a. the 99% of the population who can’t afford to spend $3,000 on a pair of Balmain jeans).
Well this Saturday is the official launch of the Versace for H&M line and I fully intend to be in that line waiting to kick, crawl, claw, and pimp-slap anyone who gets in my way of this Versace jacket. Play with it! Kanye was seen rocking the very Miami-esque jacket last week during the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show and from the moment I saw it on him I knew that my closet of treasure wouldn’t be complete without it. There’s just something about it that seems to be beaconing me to purchase it. Yeah, its a tad gaudy, but that’s signature Versace. The perfect amount of panache for dat ass!
You Know You’re a Hooker When…
Someone asks to use your phone for second, whether it’s to make a call or maybe even show you a feature, and you stand over their shoulder watching, like a malnourished hawk seeking prey, afraid they are going to stumble upon your “ho tendencies” files on your phone. Uhmmmm, calm down Thirsty McThirstyson, I’m not trying to see the various illicit pictures you have on your smartphone or the XXX-rated sexts which I’m sure you have running rampant on the device, I was just trying to show you how to download Angry Birds!
Auditory Eargasm…Florence + The Machine “Only If For a Night”
Epical Perfection!
I was beyond excited last week with the release of the new Florence + The Machine album, Ceremonials, and she certainly didn’t disappoint. Upon first listen I instantly fell in love with the album opener, “Only If For a Night” and it’s been on constant repeat all week long. The stirring production is a hybrid mix of lush piano instrumentation overlapped with a thumping bass line; music that you’d expect from Coldplay or even Kanye. Not to mention her ethereal vocals seem to melt right into the track and flutter effortlessly over such a hard beat. In other words it’s basically AMAZING! Give it a listen below!
You Know You’re a Hooker When…
your “friends” list on Facebook has entered into the THOUSANDS! Oh okay, so you KNOW those 4,312 people that you’re “friends” with? Let’s please keep it real people…you didn’t go to college, and based on your lack of personality on your page and your horrendous grammar, I’m pretty sure you got out of high school by the skin of your teeth so how exactly do you know so many people? Unless your name is Rihanna or Lady Gaga there’s really no reason to have that many people associated with your Facebook page. We know that you probably only know about 16 of those people, but we’re hip to your game. You’ve somehow managed to turn a “social networking” site into a “social sex’em down site”. #cyberslutsbeware
Words to Live By…Andy Warhol
“They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.”
You Know You’re a Hooker When…
after a LONG summer day at the beach (where you’ve apparently been drinking heavily) you proceed to engage in conversation with strangers about the x-rated things you want to do with them. Hmmmmm. Where should I REALLY begin with you? Should we begin with the bathing suit that is clearly about 3 sizes too small that you’ve somehow managed to squeeze yourself into (most likely with the help of some Crisco)? Are you actively trying to discover a new strand of Herpes to add to the collection that I’m sure you’re already housing? Or should we just discuss how that cheap weave makes you resemble Tito from “Oliver & Company”? Either way, can you go soliciting your services away from my beach blanket. Thanks.
Words to Live By…Lenny Kravitz
“We weren’t put here to be miserable. We were put here to do the best we can, and we should take our energy and improve our state of being.”
Hot Off the Press…Kristen Stewart on W!
With September right around the corner all the major fashion and lifestyle magazines are breaking out the big guns for the coveted September covers (which are ANY and EVERY advertisers dream). And W magazine is clearly going after all the teenage Twi-hards with scoring Kristen Stewart as their covergirl.
All I have to say about this photo shoot is LORDY LORD! Who knew lil ole’ Kristen Stewart had an inner 1970’s sex-goddess just waiting to be released? I’m superbly impressed with this entire shoot! She looks amazing to say the least. Now THAT’S a September cover!
Auditory Eargasm…Melanie Fiona “4 A.M.”
R&B songbird Melanie Fiona burst onto the scene back in 2009 with her Grammy-nominated debut album The Bridge, and now she’s back on the scene with the sophomore follow-up, The MF Life, set to be released on October 25th. The latest track to emerge from her is the Rico Love-produced track “4 A.M.” and it’s some pure fire! I love the smooth production and Melanie’s vocals definitely coat the instrumentation perfectly. It’s definitely a step in the right direction for her…if this is what her follow-up is sounding like than I definitely can’t wait to hear the rest!
Hot Off the Press…Mila and Justin on Elle!
With the release of their upcoming comedy, “Friends with Benefits,” right around the corner I knew we’d start seeing a lot more of Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis in the media and here we go! The two grace this month’s cover of Elle magazine in a very “intimate” photo spread between the two friends, but the results are fantastic. I’m loving these shots; you can tell the two of them just have a really good chemistry between them (even if they are just “friends”). I’m still holding out hopes that Justin will put his movie career on hold for a little while and give us another classic pop album like FutureSex/LoveSounds because I still play that album some five years after its release!
You Know You’re a Hooker When…
every time I run into you in the streets you’re on a “date” with someone new. While there’s nothing wrong with testing the waters and seeing what’s out there for you, but it starts to become a problem when I’ve seen you multiple times in the span of a couple weeks and each time you’re on a “date” with a different skeezer. You can be honest about the situation cause there’s really only two possible answers to this equation; either you’re moonlighting as a prostitute and this is you “entertaining” your client before you seal the deal…or you’re just REALLY uninteresting on dates and you’re subsequently getting dropped by the other person at the first chance they see to escape! Either way, it’s not looking to favorable for you. Do better and stop getting your dates off of http://www.NonClassyTricks.com.
The World (As Seen Through My BlackBerry): Where the Pinot At?
The recipe for a good Friday night? Great company, great conversation, and some extra CLASSY Pinot Grigio…….I’ve come to the realization that hard liquor is for BASIC folks, CLASSY folks know wine is where it’s at in 2011!
My Yankee Fitted 